Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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