how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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