I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
