i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
