I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
