No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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