2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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