lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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