This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
