i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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