What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
