I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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