I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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