i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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