I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
