"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
