im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
