The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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