She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
