dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
