Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
