I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
