Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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