I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
