remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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