the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
