My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
