Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
