I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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