they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
