Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
