I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
