Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
