you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
