just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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