i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
