I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
