I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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