I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
