her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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