There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
