Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
