Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
