I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
