she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I wish there were birth control emojis
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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