Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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