I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Randomize
