I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
