I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
