just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
